New Year, Same Me.
It is Friday, January 5th, 2018. I am sitting in the parking lot at Walmart crying because my card declined on an $11 purchase.
It is Monday, January 8th, 2018. I have called in sick to work for a job I started 2 weeks ago, because the thought of having to face new clients is throwing my system into a frenzied fight for survival.
But wait, it's the New Year. A time of revitalization. A time to throw off the trappings and bad habits of the old year. A time to start fresh.
Except I can't. I want to fall into the optimistic lull of January, that This Year Will Be My Year, that I Will Do Better, but the cynical side of me knows the truth; I am mentally ill and sometimes doing better is just getting out of bed. Sometimes I can't do better.
One of the things they talked about in group was how we need to set goals for different areas of our lives. How it's important to connect with things like our personal health or our spirituality. I don't have the mental fortitude to go to the gym, but listening to sermons is pretty easy, so I've been trying to do that. After all, my faith has always been a source of resilience and strength for me, and there has been a severe disconnect in past years. I've even started a devotional program specifically for anxiety, clearly written by people who have never experienced anxiety. Day One was "don't worry, God is with you" repeated over and over and over again like saying it enough times would cure me.
In my experience, "don't worry" is one of the most useless things someone can say to me. I understand the sentiment, but how do I explain it? I can't not worry. You might as well tell me to not breath. Sure, I can manage it for short intervals, but then I'm left gasping trying to recover what I lost.
I don't know how to connect with God. I don't know how to connect with people. Right now, I want nothing more than to run away and never come back. I am looking at real estate in Quebec and seriously entertaining the thought. Things are cheaper, my boyfriend would be happier, I wouldn't have to (be able to) talk to anybody, everybody wins. Right?
I don't want this to be a negative space, but I want it to be real. Right now I am not okay, nor have I been for a while. The days are short, grey, and dark. I don't know if I can cope at my new job. I am alive, and that will have to be enough.
It is Monday, January 8th, 2018. I have called in sick to work for a job I started 2 weeks ago, because the thought of having to face new clients is throwing my system into a frenzied fight for survival.
But wait, it's the New Year. A time of revitalization. A time to throw off the trappings and bad habits of the old year. A time to start fresh.
Except I can't. I want to fall into the optimistic lull of January, that This Year Will Be My Year, that I Will Do Better, but the cynical side of me knows the truth; I am mentally ill and sometimes doing better is just getting out of bed. Sometimes I can't do better.
One of the things they talked about in group was how we need to set goals for different areas of our lives. How it's important to connect with things like our personal health or our spirituality. I don't have the mental fortitude to go to the gym, but listening to sermons is pretty easy, so I've been trying to do that. After all, my faith has always been a source of resilience and strength for me, and there has been a severe disconnect in past years. I've even started a devotional program specifically for anxiety, clearly written by people who have never experienced anxiety. Day One was "don't worry, God is with you" repeated over and over and over again like saying it enough times would cure me.
In my experience, "don't worry" is one of the most useless things someone can say to me. I understand the sentiment, but how do I explain it? I can't not worry. You might as well tell me to not breath. Sure, I can manage it for short intervals, but then I'm left gasping trying to recover what I lost.
I don't know how to connect with God. I don't know how to connect with people. Right now, I want nothing more than to run away and never come back. I am looking at real estate in Quebec and seriously entertaining the thought. Things are cheaper, my boyfriend would be happier, I wouldn't have to (be able to) talk to anybody, everybody wins. Right?
I don't want this to be a negative space, but I want it to be real. Right now I am not okay, nor have I been for a while. The days are short, grey, and dark. I don't know if I can cope at my new job. I am alive, and that will have to be enough.
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